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(written Oct. 2011… Upon my weening from a plethora of perscription drugs)
OK Friends hopefully my computer will be able to keep up, and allow me to use it today to help me. I am on a mission. I have a specific purpose in mind. Aside from using blogging to help myself -I am going on a strict-media fast… I will be hiding many posts from many select friends…because I am aware of how easily they can distract me and I want to try my best to remain focused. Do what I feel I need to do it as it comes to me and keeping some semblance of momentum propelling me further and further ahead in the process, making it easier and easier to do while, increasing its momentum in fulfilling my purpose.
I will be trying to journal/blog my thoughts feelings and emotions, memories questions or whatever enters my mind, and make a conscious effort of realization, actualization….a sort of self assessment – interior check….and also a sort of documentation of my journey to use however i see beneficial to myself, for my health, happiness, longevity and growth.
please feel free to turn off notifications of my posts….there will be many, they may not even make sense to anyone but me…. I will be trying to be as unedited as possible….working to follow thru on to the end of my specific thought process…and exercising my mind which has only got to help me with short term memory retention and consistent meaningful focus. Noting anything, not worrying about spelling, not worrying about its meaning or trying to analyze it and govern myself…as best I can to keep on task.
I know deep within myself my soft heart, my knowledgeable and extremely powerful mind that I cannot truly love another without first loving myself completely. Taking my flaws and short comings to be used as an opportunity of growth and getting better and better every day.
A question that came to me earlier this morning and then again just now: How do I theoretically bottle the strength I know I have within myself, so that I can begin giving myself doses of it gradually, efficiently and more and more in beneficial ways????
I’m here to share my journey with anyone willing to listen or interested in the progression as it unfolds. You don’t have to believe what I believe, you dont have to agree with what I post. It’s not for you. And I will be gettting better and better at filtering the things I allow into my mind body and soul.
Feel free to respond anyway necessary, and know that my intention is for good, love, patience, peace and understanding. I’m not necessarily going to even read your responses. This is raw….as raw, as vulnerable, as truthfully naked with myself as I have ever been or know how to ‘let go’ enough to allow myself.
If you can take one simple thing I say or thought or circumstance I went through and use it to better your life in some way that would be freakin fantastic! I hope to increase my connections with others in a meaningful purposeful and passionate way.
It would certainly be….helpful….if my computer would coopperate with my fimble fingers and movement and gaols for today. it is a machine. it does what you tell it. USE IT – to make yourself better….it is a gift…. open yourself up to receive everything that is coming your way…..both learning and growing from each and every little challenge…and learning to enjoy appreciate and dwell in the moment of those that make your heart sing….your mind flows with your creative nature….and extremely well intended purpose.
I learned something in particular about myself in the last 24 hours… It has finally come to my attention that for the entirety of my daughters life and existence and everything I say to her and very clearly how I respond to her……has been utterly directed towards myself as my inner child…. I never understood the inner child concept as clearly and opportunistcally as I learned to do last night.
Good lord my mind goes so fast – there’s no way I’ll ever keep up. I maybe should take tally marks for myself so I dont have to repeat every repetitive thought each fucking time it happens. I already hear it interallyand its fucking frustrating… learn to use it
I know that I used words to talk for very nearly the entire fucking day trying my best to convey with as much emotion
determination honesty emotion and well intentions as I was feeling inside…as I hear myself saying….and it disappoints me to not even know if I conveyed the right messages as purposes to the right people at the the right time in the right way for them to receive it as I was givi…ng it. It has been a very long and tiring, and distressful challenge to come to this point…
There went my train of thought. b back soon, regularly, and with more positive energy flowing from myself to myself in effort to gain my self control, my self love, and actualization… throwing out tainted beliefs that I have simply been conditioned to believe….and have carried around as someone elses baggage…weighing me down and keeping me from flourishing as best I can as the person that I am……that I have been….that I will be… getting stronger and stronger in my specific and “flawless destiny”
There is intentional, powerful, phenomenal, growingly intense fight within. But there is also a battle going on inside me…. It’s hard to beat yourself at your own game. And especially when you’re still learning the rules and continue to learn new things, emotions, loop holes, un discovered purposes and blessing disguised as trials and …tribulations…for lack of a better word.
Overwhelmed with thoughts feelings emotions ideas comments ….yet? Welcome to my internal world at the the moment. If you’re not yet – I admire your strength. I have determination….. I have taken action and set my own wheels in motion….I will keep moving forward. Because I know being stagnant and the opposite direction of growth is death. I want to thrive in this life. I’m not looking to be …any sort of mother teresa or fuckin princes diana or oprah winfrey for fucks sake. I’m trying to allow myself the healthy blissful life I used to remember I deserve. I’m tired of being altered and not recognizing myself, or being able to tell if its a true raw feeling I have or some ingested fucking chemical that I have been conditioned to take cuz someone with a certification to show they went to school to re-learn what the human race
has known, or at least had the ability to know since our beginnings… wherever or whenever that may have been or however it fuckin took place. I’m really of the mind to not give a shit how I got here. I am fucking here damnit. Why does it have to be so involved and take so much effort to see, accept and enjoy the enormous amounts of positive energy already in your life. Flowing to you every single second, of every minute of every day of your infinitely coming life.
Ae cliff notes of your plan: because u may often need to remind yourself and give yourself guided direction to vere back on your most beneficial route of growth…you may change your mind as time continues on certain points. Learn to listen to yourself. Get back to knowing what is right for you. Get yourself to complete and total honest, truth and trust with yourself to know that its already withi…n you. The answers are there. Tap into that. Use every little ounce you can grab and keep hold of. Be consciously alert. Listen to the way you speak to yourself. Stop.. STOP!!! Enough is enough! You want better for yourself. For the people you love. And I am astonished at your own inner drive to love everyone for the people you are trying your best not to judge….because there is not a single living thing on this fucking earth that has the wisdom to judge another. Acceptance is key. The way we use are energy is so powerful beyond the capacity of our current understanding. Quit letting it go to waste. Learn to let go of your tendencies to want to control your emotions… Every emotion, in any type of way you feel it…IS OKAY! It’s how effectively you use it to create more positive energy in this universe and any possible other.
..thank you for taking the time for yourrself…will begin to appreciate it more and more that you took a first step…even if its wobbly as a baby’s first step… embrace it. be kind to yourself. It should be the one bit of positive energy you are endlessly gauranteed….get out of fight or flight notion and reaction…. let yourself heal. Give your body and mind the opportunity to heal its own s…elf and grow infinitely stronger…… you will soon have the force of a locomotive PUSHING your forward…. get ready. open yourself to receive… allow yourself flaws. learn to understand the reason, the very ‘controlable’ very likely unwarranted fear behindyour undesired negative tendencies. Fight for your life. Fucking fightf with all your might and power, and watch the roots grow. Quit beating yourself up. You are consciously aware that you try your best. You are NOT this person. You ARE STRONG! YOU ARE FILLED AND made up fucking energy! You have so much potential.
You have so much to give to others. Remember… you just explained the dryer soothing to your daughter…. You concluded the discussion telling her about how when she was a baby, you were too afraid to fuck up, or do the wrong thing, or not be there for her. You would get her to sleep in her carseat and then placed her in the bathroom. So you could see her and hear her while you showered. feel like you werre strong enough to teach… yourself to be the best possible mother to her that life could offer. You love her so much. Don’t ever forget that she saved your life. You owe it to yourself to honor the power of love in its infinite ways….. man….those were some of the shortest showers of my life….seeming like I was to distracted checking on her, to focus on the task at hand…self fucking preservation and love…the fucking energy. It speaks to you. Listen carefully…. please… break thru these barriers…
You have been deeply feeling enourmous amounts of gratitude! Hold on to it! Use it. It’s the spark lighting the fire that is to grow under your ass and keep you propelling yourself forward……..yeah…..its official….people are learning about you….scary shit huh? Fuckin let it go…. let it be. Loose control. Keep your purpose in mind and let your ever growing subconscious do the best of the best work its ever done….my thoughts are endless. Remember to allow the negative ones, taking them for what they are: simply opportunities to grow and thrive…. You know…
Do yourself justice. Enjoy the process. We all know you love to learn and use your knowledge as it grows. Putting it into practice so it comes to you naturally. Let go of the inexplicable fucked up idea of the possibility of PERFECT. People think they see that word as one with positive energy….yet deep down, I know that there are many people in this world that hear that word and their instantanious reaction is that of negative energy….remind themselves…..reminding your self of youur short comings and fuckin excuses…..excuses…. give up your excuses why you cant have, experience, feel accept…excuses are bull shit and we all fuckin know it. Be honest with yourself.
The intracacies of my mind are fucking breath taking. take a break! resonnate, dwell, live the moment, thrive….
health…naturally…socrates reminds you daily that “learning is remembering”… tap into your abundant stock of knowledge… you can do it. work thru your fear…
I dVER win the battle I’m having with this damn clothes dryer… another machine you allow to alter your focus…towards negativity… you’ll get there. be patient. I really want you to take the time in the veryest near future possible….to listen to your recorded on-goings of vocal communication you intended to help yourself. Listen to it carefully. Listen to close. Listen to the tone you take with yourself. Listen to the feeling behind your words. Begin to make sense of your stuggle its there. and for a glimmer in time you were able to face your hidden, festering, contaminated truths.
it people respond to you. this is a tool for putting to work for your own improving sanity, peace and health. I started to tell my plan (may be opportunity for previously suggested tic mark)….remember to devulge your thankfulness…
Focus..get your body as healthy as you can in the most natural, sensicle way you can…You detest the pills… it was a sign of your weekening willpower that you gave in… Healthfully and safely with the help of your support system, wean off…lets get back to basics. Figure out where and how to naturally adjust areas of your body as it screams its message…listen to it. trust your instincts. su…pply the nutrition your body needs to thrive – and say no more!!! to the things that your body is naturally rejecting. Dr J. reminded you so eloquently that know one knows you better than you. You felt the truth in his words. Remember that moment. It is carrying power for you still. Give up on the idea of “perfectly” emitting/conveying ur gratitude. get rid of perfect. embrace your thankfulness. let those be the thoughts you gladly allow to roam freely in your mind. You are not crazy. And you have had enough listening to everyone elses ideas, beliefs, and persuations…rather than you’re own. Take a healthy stance in your perspective. Quit trying to prove how fucking resilient you can be to everyone and live in your own shoes. I dont care how tired they get of hearing you say it….remind your loved ones how important they are…how magnificent they are….and how thankful you are to have the opportunity of connection with them.
l my anxiety is surging… “Heal Your Skeletons” is a spark of some great energy…
BTW… I AM WAY TO FUCKING INTELLIGENT TO be this retarded… I think to much. lol I just spelled much…m*u*t*c*h……shhhhh dont tell my daughter. I’d kinda like her to have some respect for me… lol I love you my daughter. I dont tell you enough, but I know you can feel my heart talking to you. You and X inspire me beyond measure. You are teaching me new things every day. I just hope you know what brilliance you have. Let your love shine! Let it radiate through every pore in your body……I’m pretty sure we can include that the messages I’m sending my inner child. Dually noted. Ah, how precise are those words….
I’m thinking lightly to myself in this moment, that its a damn good thing you’re not “friends” with your therapist……she’d through you back in the BIG HOUSE for sure….probably even for coming up with the IDEA to journal publicly……You either have some ridiculously large kahooooonas……or you’re on the verge of something great. Probly both.
OMG… somehow I talked my brilliant brain child in to trying the same thing….with the idea it might get her ideas and creativity flowing…. Wow. Imagine what I could do with MY Power of Persuasion…. Ps, its really irritating to me to see so many people CONFORMing, not being their own person, not having their own thoughts, not doing what they want cuz they’re allowing someone else control of …their life. We have to be stronger persons of mind. We create our own realities….What would you do if your negative thoughts didnt interrupt. MAGNIFY your EXPERIENCE……..Raise your standards. Take a stand, make your own decision, you have the right to make your own choices….and then have the courage to stick to your guns. I know I will find the best groove that works for me to heal and rise above this challenge as if it’s a pesky lil ant I ssquished yesterday. I am destined for greatness, because I CHOOSE to HELP MYSELF!
What’s on my mind…. Being propelled by the positive energy of gratitude I’m determined to focus my day on sharing…. Yesterday was certainly a struggle for me. My hope to maybe get some things out of my head with the idea they might help others or slowly be released from my repetitive thought process, worked it in a very unique way…
I’m feeling compelled to tell you that if you don’t “believe in” self hypnosis….you are certainly lying to yourself. Maybe you prefer another word association with the action giving it a different connotation….meditation, contemplation, thinking, pondering, etc…whatever it is…..know that we are constantly having a conversation with ourselves. Some people may not hear it consciously as loud… as other….but it happens every day all day. We are constantly asking ourselves questions and answering them… that is thought. We need to be more aware of what we tell ourselves. We need to change the questions we ask our selves to be of benefit to us. For example: instead of “why does this always happen to me” changing it to “each time this happens, where is the blessing I can learn from this situation, what am I needing to learn to avoid this in the future…etc etc….
We really need to be aware of the messages we give our minds…on a conscious level and a subconscious level. We are so many times “poisoning” or own bodies with negative thought patterns and answers that do not do ourselves justice. We need to STOP the distorted thinking in its tracks. Replace it with what is true…and watch it work to turn our lives around for our own greater good.
I am determined to detoxify my body…. it will take some time…. but I can and will do it.uite certain I’m not as fucked up as these ‘doctors’ keep pushing on me…. I was fine before that “whole situation” blew up. I know that I will be better off without these mind altering, anti-psychotic, chemicals I’ve been perscribed… Get ready body: to feel the best of the best….to be givin the nutrients, vitamins, health you’ve been seeking in order to work at your peak performance!